Monday, July 25, 2016

starting up again

It's been three months since my last post. I had been feeling pretty down.

I always feel down. But this time it was pretty bad. Get up. Go to work. Do some lessons. Go home. Worry about money. Repeat.

It didn't help that the rainy season came at us in full force. The past few years it seemed like there were two weeks of on and off rain before the break. This year it was like pouring rain or drizzles for at least a month and a half.

In that short time, I discovered a huge amount of mold in my closets, on my shoes, bags, even on a small box and my plastic suitcase!
Most of the people I know here are no help with these kinds of things. They always laugh it off, which then stresses me even more.

I'm pretty sure I'm quite depressed, but I'm not sure what to do.

I know that I can't talk to anyone on an internet forum because most people give really lame, biting advice. Admittedly, I do the same.

No one to talk to? Find some friends.
No friends? Move back to America.

Job problems? Move back to America.
No money? Move back to America.
Issues? Deal.

It's really hard holding in stress and putting on a good face at work. It's hard when you can't go home and talk to someone about your work issues or cultural issues and get a solid answer. 

While I don't know how to get out of my rut, I do know that exercising is what makes me happy. After going out to exercise for the first time in months, I felt so much better. Now that Pokemon GO has be released here, I have another socially acceptable reason to wander around outside...

Thursday, April 14, 2016

No Adults Here

I guess technically I am an "adult," but I don't feel that way. Not only have I never been eager to grow up, I've always been treated in this strange "take responsibility/you can't have responsibility" manner. 

In school, I was younger than most of my classmates. When I approached assignments seriously, I was told I was too serious. When I joked around, I was told that I needed to take things seriously. I honestly felt like I could do no right. This of course crept into group projects. If I tried to take the lead (or was directed to lead a group), I was ignored, talked over and pushed aside.

I guess a lifetime of deferring to others has firmly imprinted itself upon my body, and when I meet new people and need them to follow my directives, they don't trust my decisions.

Since I began tutoring about two and a half years ago, I've really felt how a lack of 'adultness'?, an air of...'adultness'? affects my lessons. 

Parents, I can either be friends with your kid or I can beat the shit out of your kid. I can't force them into speaking English. I can't force them to listen to me. I need your help here. Don't just throw your kids at me. I don't know how to control them. Heck, maybe this has nothing to do with being an adult, but still, I feel like if I had something within myself that made people want to listen to and follow what I say, I'd have an easier time with a lot of things.


Sunday, April 10, 2016

Not a Good Weekend

I came home Friday night after teaching my student feeling exhausted. Luckily, my weekend was pretty free, with no lessons and only a kid's birthday party on Sunday. 

Slept in on Saturday and woke up feeling icky. 

Woke up Sunday feeling pretty blah, but after a shower and some breakfast, I felt better and headed to the kid's party. The party wasn't a bunch of kids, just the birthday kid and the kid's family...and me. 
This family has a house that's large by Japanese standards and when I'm invited over, they prepare a lot of food and alcohol is on tap. 

Perhaps it was the yakiniku. Or maybe the drinks. But midway through the event, I headed to the bathroom and barfed out everything. Compared to what I normally drink, I had a lot less this time, but my body was just too tired to care.

I don't think anyone heard me hurling. I really hope that I didn't leave some hidden barf somewhere. 

Had to confess somewhere!

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Rage Thoughts 04062016

Today I did a bit of window shopping before going home. I stopped in a store that sells athletic goods, and the staff might have greeted me? I don't know. I wasn't really looking to buy anything and was happy at first that he left me alone.

But as I wandered through the store, it became apparent to me that he was avoiding me. 

I mean...I glanced over to where he was standing and saw him picking at a pimple! His face was practically on the mirror, head tilted back, chin thrust forward.

Sorry to disturb your pimple picking...I'll leave now...

Monday, April 4, 2016

Happy Not to be in Middle School

I really dislike the middle school students I come across.

Yesterday, my hanami plans were cancelled due to the chance of rain. I rarely have a whole weekend to myself, and I'm rarely awake before 1pm on a free weekend. Yet, there I was.
So, I headed downtown to window shop and clear my mind.

At some point I thought that I should eat something. I am the type of person that forgets to eat or drink...or even use the bathroom, and I've gotten into the habit of checking in with myself. "You have a headache, why? Is it because you haven't had anything to drink all day and it's 6pm? Go buy some water."

My check-in told me to eat something, and wanting to get the biggest bang for my yen, I decided on McDonald's.


First, the line was hella long.


Then I noticed that most of the line was foreign tourists or middle school students.

The group of four students directly in front of me decided they were too cool to line up. One girl stood in the middle of the narrow aisle and made no effort to move aside for people. Her thumb was busy flicking through dumb shit on her phone. Literally dumb shit. She wasn't texting anyone. She wasn't looking up information. She was scrolling through the different screens on her phone, turning the screen off then on again.

No. You are not cute.

I debated with myself and decided against saying anything. You can't say anything to anyone under 20 because you'll be called a "ba-ba" or something, as if I really care what 13 year olds think of me?

I take my order and head up to the topmost floor, and ugh, FML, it's filled...FILLED with middle schoolers. 

Middle school mentality:
- throwing your trays into a pile is cool, because people cleaning up your mess is cool
- talking about how ugly someone is is cool, despite being ugly yourself, because...??
(That's right. I called a middle schooler 'ugly' and I'll do it again.)
- wearing revealing clothing is cool...but being 'old' isn't, but you wear clothes and make-up to make yourself look older and what??
- taking up space and acting oblivious to others is cool because your parents and the adults around you allow it because you're in middle school. idiots. 

Did I do this stuff in middle school? 


You know why? Because I had a job and no car. To get to the mall required a huge amount of coordinating bus schedules and homework. Going to the mall with friends was like a once in a lifetime experience since going with friends meant coordinating not only work and bus schedules, but getting permission from parents and arranging rides if someone offered. 

And if I had dared to leave a table messy after a meal or thrown a tray, my mom would have heard about it before I even got home.